I didn’t realise I had such insecurities and anxieties until I was well in to my twenties. In fact, I could go as far to say I was nearer thirty when the penny dropped. Back in school with the feeling of people talking about me behind my back, mocking things that I said, making fun of me to my face (by engaging in conversation but not really caring about what I was saying, just picking up tools so they had something to take the piss of later on), being left out of groups, not being liked, being the fat/unattractive one, the quiet one. The list could go on. Why did I feel as though my friends never thought of me as a friend?
School was tough. It is for everyone in some way, but from year 2 until year 7 I had best friends who gradually all left me to go to different schools and in one case a different country. Bonds were formed and then taken away like an almighty blow to my childhood. And secondary school… well, that was an experience I’d sooner forget. Those people who say they would go back to school if they could… bollocks to that. Some of the worst years of my life. I think with each school year, my confidence dropped a little more.
One of my problems now is I always think the best of people. Yes, that’s probably a good thing, but not always. In a group of ‘friends’ that I have recently pulled myself away from, that was a major fault. I tried too hard around them. I thought they were my friends. I thought I was one of them. I made excuses to myself. I was only invited places out of habit, or maybe they thought they had to invite me. I was clearly left out and I see it now. But I only saw it when witnessing my baby being left out and ignored at an event. That was it for me. Fuck. That. No one puts my baby in a corner. I’m not having my daughter experience the bitchiness and cliques of some folk before she could even speak her first word.
After said event, when we decided to leave early before my husband kicked off at certain people, I had a slight anxiety attack moment. I couldn’t sleep as my brain was arguing with itself for hours and hours. ‘What is wrong with me? Why don’t they like me? Have I done something? Do I smell?’ Ridiculous, stupid thoughts. Suddenly, I was thirteen again and had no friends in upper school and was being bullied by an ex-best friend who turned everyone against me for no reason at all apart from I was an easy target. Fast-forward, I was twenty and at a job where if you weren’t in the clique then you may as well not have existed at all (even management looked down their noses at you for being the loser). Why did it take me until this event to get the hint? We walked in to this house, not even a hello or ‘there’s the food, would you like a drink?’ Just nothing. So frigging rude. No one engaged with us. No one gave a shit we were there. People came in and walked past us like we were invisible. It’s a great feeling.
Other things have happened over the last couple of years that I should have taken more seriously but, me being me, just shrugged my shoulders and thought ‘its fine!’.
A few months ago, I took a step away from this group and my nights have been so much more peaceful. Did this group mean to cause this much upset? I doubt it. Well, I hope not. But it is not worth the stress and worry anymore. I’m not the child trying to make a good impression. I’m 30 years old. I’m a frigging adult. Don’t like me? F*ck off then, I’m not going to stress out because you don’t like me anymore. Clearly, we’re all happy that I stepped away as you’ve not been forced to invite me to your 2019 events and frankly, that has confirmed everything for me.
I’m hoping that writing all this down with be my final form of therapy. And maybe other people out there can relate too. It’s not always easy to step away. But if it’s a lie, and it is causing stress, it isn’t worth it.
I’m 30 years old. I have so many amazing things in my life. It is time to focus on me and not the little things that have tried to bring me down. I am working on my insecurities. They still happen with certain things and people, but at least I can recognise it and try move on from it. My social life has changed since having my bambino but I have an amazing, supportive husband almost shoving me out the door to hang out with my real friends. They are few, but they have put up with me for this long so they must love me after all 😊
‘One loyal friend is worth more than a thousand fake ones’.
Life is short. Be happy. Be you.